


[MST] Fantastic Four #1

by PeachlingPie



Category: Fantastic Four, Fantastic Four (Comicverse), Marvel (Comics), Mystery Science Theater 3000
Genre: F/M, MST3k-Style Riffing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-02
Updated: 2019-06-02
Packaged: 2020-04-06 07:49:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19058356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PeachlingPie/pseuds/PeachlingPie
Summary: The Fantastic Four. For over half a century, they have been loved by countless people, and seen as the embodiment of what it means to be family. Which makes it all the more surprising that when they started out, they were just a dysfunctional group of deeply flawed people with no common sense. (To say the least...) Relive their origins and their first adventure, with humorous commentary from the crew of the Satellite of Love added in!Or; Three comedians poke fun at the original Fantastic Four #1 from 1961.





	1. Intro

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to get right into the "making fun of the comic" part, and don't know or care much about MST3K, feel free to skip this chapter.

[We see the Satellite of Love floating through space. Inside, at the desk on the bridge, Jonah Heston is about to take a bite of a sandwich, when he suddenly looks around, paranoid. Slowly, he leans in to take the bite, only to put it down on the desk when he hears the distinct sound of something descending upon him.]

JONAH: Oh come on!

[He is engulfed by a large tube, which sucks him up, and forces him to relive the theme song.]

In the not-too-distant future  
Next Sunday, AD  
There was a guy named Jonah  
Not too different from you or me

He worked at Gizmonic Institute  
Just another mug in a yellow jumpsuit  
A distress call came in for him at half-past noon  
That's when an evil woman trapped him on the dark side of the moon

KINGA: I'll send him cheesy movies  
The worst I can find (la la la)  
He'll have to sit and watch them all  
And we'll monitor his mind (la la la)

Now keep in mind that Jonah can't control  
When the movies begin or end (la la la)  
So he'll have to keep his sanity  
With the help of his robot friends

Robot Roll Call  
Cambot!  
Gypsy!  
Tom Servo!  
Crooooow!

If you're wondering how he eats and breathes  
And other science facts (la la la),  
Then repeat to yourself, "It's just a show  
I should really just relax  
For Mystery Science Theater 3000!”

[Walking back to the desk, Jonah finds his robot friends Crow and Tom Servo standing around. The sandwich is gone.]

JONAH: You guys ate my sandwich didn’t you?

TOM: We respect you too much to lie, man.

CROW: We totally did.

JONAH: *sighs* Every time.

[A button on the desk starts glowing.]

JONAH: Oh, the Mads are calling.

[Jonah pushes the button, causing the mad scientists Kinga and Max to appear on screen.]

KINGA: No time for chit chat, Heston. Let’s get on with the Invention Exchange! Now!

[On the desk in front of Jonah now sits a pair of glasses, with swirls on them.]

JONAH: Well, since we heard that today we would be taking a look at a 60’s comic book, we decided to reinvent an old staple of the comic book ads: The X-Ray glasses. Haven’t you ever wondered what it would be like to actually see right through people? Well wonder no more.

[Jonah puts on the glasses, and bends over to examine Crow.]

JONAH: Fascinating, you can see exactly where the bolomatic stigmalizer connects to the industrial-grade polarity reverser. Crow, my pal, your circuitry truly is a work of art!

CROW: You know it! Now give the glasses, I wanna try!

JONAH: Okay, here you go… *puts the glasses on Crows head*

CROW: Now let me see… *looks at Jonah* Oh God! Oh God no!

TOM: Crow?

JONAH: Crow, what’s wrong?

CROW: Dear God, is that really what humans look like on the inside? I’m gonna be sick. *starts gagging*

KINGA: Wait, how did you know we would be doing an old comic book today?

JONAH: What? Oh, Max mentioned it on his twitter.

KINGA: What?!

MAX: *currently tweeting* Oh come on, all the best shows have live tweeting. It improves ratings!

KINGA: Yes, but you’re supposed to live tweet as things happen in the show, not before then! That’s spoilers!

MAX: I, uh… Couldn’t wait.

[Kinga rolls her eyes and slaps Max’s phone onto the floor, breaking it.]

MAX: My phone!

KINGA: Now, Heston, prepare to be outdone by my own comic advertisement themed invention. Simply think back to your childhood. Of all the schemes and scams, which was the most disappointing?

MAX: Um, Charles Atlas exercises, Hypno-Coin, Kryptonite Rocks, mail order Karate lessons, Frontier Cabin, that one ad that sold the tiny puppies...

KINGA: Max! We rehearsed this!

MAX: Huh? Oh right… Is it Sea Monkeys?

KINGA: That’s right! Sea Monkeys! Billed as zoological marvels of the modern world, they invariably turned out to be just pinkish specs closer to shrimp then they were to monkeys. But that all changes today! Thanks to the tireless effort of our genetic engineers, we have been able to create something that is truly half-monkey, and half sea-creature. Behold!

[Kinga removes a tarp covering a tank, revealing a bunch of pink scaly men with 60’s boy band haircuts. Abruptly they start singing.]

THE SEA MONKEES: (singing) Hey Hey We’re Sea Monkees! And people say we monkey around! But we’re too busy singing, to put anybody down!

KINGA: No, no, no! This is all wrong! I meant “Monkeys” as in the animals, not “Monkees” as in the 60’s boy band. Where did my scientists get the idea that… *pauses* Max, when you sent the order, did you spell “Monkeys” with two E’s?

MAX: How else would I?

KINGA: *sighs* Max, could you hand me your phone real quick?

MAX: *shrugs and picks up his phone* Sure, but I don’t see why you would want to…

[Kinga slaps his phone out of his hand again, causing it to break even more.]

MAX: No! Curse my trusting nature!

KINGA: Okay, let’s move on to the experiment. You will indeed be reading a comic today, but not just any comic! This is the comic that started the Marvel Age, and introduced four of the most beloved characters in all of Comicdom. But beware, Heston, all is not as it seems! For within the nostalgic art and writing, lies a story of a quartet of jerks so annoying that they will drive… you… mad! Enter the nightmare fueled world of…

THE SEA MONKEES: (singing) Cheer up, sleepy Jean. Oh what can it mean--

KINGA: Shut up! Now where was I… Oh right! Enter the nightmare fueled world of Fantastic Four #1! Send them the comic!

[Down below in the comic storage area, a man in a hazmat suit pulls a lever, sending the comic to the theater.]

ARDY: Comic in the hole!

[Back aboard the Satellite….]

CROW: There are some things you can never unsee…

[Sirens blare and the Satellite starts shaking.]

JONAH: Oh, we got Comic Sign!

[Jonah, Crow, and Tom Servo rush into the theater, where the comic book is now being displayed.]


	2. Marvel's Worst Family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All lines preceded by a ">" are direct quotes from Fantastic Four #1. All credit for that writing goes to Stan Lee. Please note, that none of these jokes in any way are meant to disrespect him or the comic's artist Jack Kirby. My only intention is to make people laugh, and to bring attention to the wonderful goofiness of old comics.

[In the first panel,we see a massive cloud with the words “The Fantastic Four” written on it appear in the sky. People stand around in shock.]

>CAPTION BOX: With the sudden fury of a thunderbolt, a flare is shot into the sky over Central City!

TOM: Hey, the Flash already called dibs on that name for a fictional city, get your own!

>POLICE OFFICER #1: Look-- in the sky! What the blazes does it mean!

>POLICE OFFICER #2: I dunno, but the crowds are getting panicky!

>POLICE OFFICER #3: Rumors are flyin’ about an alien invasion!

CROW: Of course they are, that’s the humans’ first response to everything. Weather balloon? Alien invasion. Missing cows? Alien invasion. Someone cutting shapes into crops? Alien invasion.

[Shown in silhouette, Reed Richards is leaning out his window, holding a still-smoking flare gun.]

>REED RICHARDS: It is the first time I have found it necessary to give the signal! I pray it will be the last!

JONAH: Really, was there no other way for you to contact your friends in a hurry? I know cell phones hadn’t been invented yet, but as supposedly the world’s smartest man, you should’ve been able to think of something other “giant cloud that’ll cause rioting in the streets.”

[Across town, Susan Storm is having tea with a friend when the latter notices the signal.]

>SUSAN’S FRIEND: Susan… Look! Those words in the sky! What do they mean?!

[Susan turns herself invisible.]

>SUSAN STORM: (thoughts) So it had happened at last! I must remain true to my vow! There can be no turning back!

[She then leaves while the other woman’s back is turned.]

>SUSAN’S FRIEND: Susan!! She--She’s gone! But where? How?

>SUSAN STORM: (thoughts) It is time for the world to meet… The Invisible Girl!

CROW: (as Susan) And learn that she’s a terrible friend who leaves without saying goodbye!

[Susan, still invisible, roughly shoves her way through a crowd, knocking over several people.]

>SUSAN STORM: Stand aside! I have no time to lose!

TOM: Then turn visible again, duh!

[She soon finds an empty cab, and gets in, without the driver knowing.]

CAB DRIVER: Boy, what a dull day! I might as well cruise around until I pick me up a fare!

[Moments later, Susan, still invisible, hands the cab driver a dollar bill.]

>SUSAN STORM: Thank you! I will get out here!

JONAH: Why did she just shout that?

TOM: It’s just old-timey comic book law that everyone needs to be constantly using exclamation points. Using periods is for losers.

CAB DRIVER: Okay… Huh?!! Wait-- Who said that?? Wha--??

>SUSAN STORM: Don’t just sit there gaping, man! Take your money!

CAB DRIVER: I--I’m hearin’ things! Seein’ things! Or-or not seein’ them! Gangway! I’m getting out of here!

[The Cab Driver speeds away.]

>SUSAN STORM: It works! I really am invisible! Completely, totally invisible! There can be no doubt!

CROW: Just like there’s no doubt you’re a psychopath who gets off on terrorizing people with your powers.

>SUSAN STORM: Now all that remains is... my mission!

[In yet another part of town, in a men’s clothing store, the towering Ben Grimm, dressed in a trenchcoat and fedora, speaks with a clothes salesman.]

JONAH: Nice trenchcoat. You know, normally when you see someone dressed like that, they’re either about to flash you or sell you a fake rolex.

>CLOTHES SALESMAN: I’m sorry, mister, I just don’t carry anything big enough to fit a man your size!

>BEN GRIMM: Bah! Everywhere it’s the same! I live in a world too small for me!

>CLOTHES SALESMAN: Look! Out the window in the sky! Those words… “The Fantastic Four”! What can they mean?

>BEN GRIMM: So! The time has come!

[Ben Grimm removes his coat and hat, revealing his rocky skin and unflattering poop-colored short shorts. As he tries to leave the shop, he shatters the door and and the wall around it.]

>BEN GRIMM: Why must they build doorways so narrow?

TOM: Better question, if you couldn’t fit through there, how the hell did you get into the shop in the first place?

[Startled, the police start shooting at Ben, who escapes by ripping open a hole in the ground, and descending into the sewers. Then, after a while of wading…]

>BEN GRIMM: I have gone far enough! I should be under my destination by now!

JONAH: Ugh, please tell me he didn’t just swim through several miles of raw sewage. I think I’m gonna hurl.

CROW: Coincidentally “I think I’m gonna hurl” is the critical response to the Fantastic Four movies.

>BEN GRIMM: But there is no manhole above me--No opening!

[Ben bursts through the ground, coming up just feet away from a moving car.]

>BEN GRIMM: Bah! I cannot delay! I’ll make an opening!

TOM: Why is he saying “Bah!” so much? He sounds like a broken record version of the Christmas Carol.

[The car slams into him at full speed.]

>BEN GRIMM: Fool! Did you not see me in time?

JONAH: No, he probably didn’t. Do you need to be a jerk about it? Wasn’t totalling his car enough for you?

>DRIVER: It’s a walking nightmare!! Help!! Help!!

>PASSENGER: It ain’t human! It’s too big… too strong!! It’s--it’s a Martian!

>BEN GRIMM: Lily-livered cowards!

[At a local service station, Johnny Storm and a friend are working on a car.]

>JOHNNY’S FRIEND: We got her purrin’ gentle as a lamb, Johnny!

CROW: Um, sheep don’t purr, idiot, you’re thinking of cats.

JONAH: Actually, sheep really do purr just like cats.

CROW: Yeah, well, uh… Shut up!

TOM: (sarcastically) Wow, a comeback for the ages.

>JOHNNY STORM: Good, that’s the way I like her. There’s only one thing in the world that interests me more than cars!

>JOHNNY’S FRIEND: Yeah? What’s that, Johnny?

[Johny’s friend looks up to the open sky and see the Fantasti-Flare. (Yes, that’s the official name for it.)]

>JOHNNY’S FRIEND: Hey, Johnny… Look!! In the sky!! Those words! They’re all comin’ together! They’re turnin’ into a number! The number… four!

CROW: (as Johnny) Even weirder, weren’t we indoors one panel ago?

[Johnny starts to slowly burst into flames.]

>JOHNNY’S FRIEND: Johnny! That heat! Where’s it comin’ from? Wha--? What’s happening to you?

>JOHNNY STORM: Don’t worry, pal!

>JOHNNY’S FRIEND: You’re turnin’ into… *gasp* a--a Human Torch!

>JOHNNY STORM: Remember me saying there was only one thing I care about more than cars? Well this is it!

[Johnny flies off, melting the car he was sitting in in the process.]

JONAH: Oh come on! Would it have killed you to exit the car before flaming on?!

[As he flies through the air, he is spotted by the people of Central City, and their mayor quickly calls in the National Guard.]

>JOHNNY STORM: That sound--in the distance! It looks like--a Hunter missile! It’s zeroed in on me! It’s attracted to my flame! I can’t escape it… It’s too fast!! It has a Nuclear Warhead… if it explodes, I’m a goner!

TOM: You and the rest of the city! Say what you will about any president in history, but I doubt they would be dumb enough to authorize nuking a major urban area for no good reason!

[Just as the missile is about to hit Johnny, Reed Richards reaches his arms up and snatches the missile out of the air, before dropping it out at shore where it “explodes harmlessly”, according to the caption box.]

CROW: “Harmless” as long as citizens of Central City like eating three-eyed fish, relaxing on glowing green beaches, and dying of radiation poisoning.

[Johnny runs out of flame, and falls towards the ground below, only to be caught by Reed, and brought in through the window. Now, with the Fantastic Four assembled, the comic goes back and shows us their origins. We see the then completely normal Ben Grimm arguing with Reed.]

>BEN GRIMM: If you want to fly to the stars, then you pilot the ship! Count me out! You know we haven’t done enough research into the effects of cosmic rays! They might kill us all out in space!

>SUSAN STORM: Ben, we’ve got to take that chance… unless we want the Commies to beat us to it!

JONAH: I love how they treat being first into space like it’s a life-or-death matter. In real life Communists beat us into space, and we aren’t all sitting around speaking Russian and eating borsch.

>SUSAN STORM: I--I never thought that you would be a coward!

>BEN GRIMM: A coward!! Nobody calls me a coward! Get the ship! I’ll fly her no matter what happens!!

TOM: If only it was that easy to convince someone to do anything.

JONAH: But I don’t want to give you my social security number!

CROW: I--I never thought that you would be a coward!

JONAH: A coward!! Nobody calls me a coward! 110819614!

[Later, during the car ride to the launch site…]

>REED RICHARDS: Susan, Ben and I, know what we’re doing… but you-- and Johnny...

>SUSAN STORM: Don’t say it, Reed! I’m your fiancee! Where you go, I go!

>JOHNNY STORM: And I’m tagging along with sis-- So it’s settled!

JONAH: (as Reed Richards) Hmm, having two untrained civilians help operate the rocket could lead to us all perishing… Oh what the hell, why not?

[They then sneak aboard the rocket, without the knowledge of the U.S. Government.]

>SUSAN STORM: No time to wait for official clearance! Conditions are right tonight! Let’s go!

CROW: Oh, and of course, no mission control. Any other unnecessary risks you want to take? How about filling the cargo bay with live explosives or flying while drunk?

TOM: Based on the decisions they’re making, it’s bold of you to assume they aren’t already completely sloshed.

[Before the guards, or common sense, can stop them, the four blast off towards outer space.]

>REED RICHARDS: She’s behaving like a baby!

JONAH: (as Reed Richards) By which I mean erratic and hard to keep control of! We’re all going to die!

>REED RICHARDS: Everything is perfect!

>BEN GRIMM: Yeah, except the cosmic rays! No one knows what they’ll do!

>REED RICHARDS: We had to do it!! We had to be the first!

JONAH: (as Reed Richards) To prove I’m better than everyone else! … I mean, that we’re better! Sure, yeah, let’s go with that.

>BEN GRIMM: But we’re reaching the cosmic storm area… Hang on!

[Suddenly a noise fills the hull of the ship.]

>BEN GRIMM: Hear that?? It’s the cosmic rays!! I warned you about them!!

JONAH: (as Reed Richards) Alright, here comes the told-you-so’s! And just because I’ve doomed us all! Jeez, the thanks I get...

[Cosmic rays continue to bombard the ship, easily passing through the shielding and affecting the four astronauts inside.]

>BEN GRIMM: Ugh!! Listen to me… Somebody else take the controls… I can’t handle this ship anymore! My--My arms are heavy--Too heavy--Can’t move--Too heavy--Got to lie down--Can’t move!!

TOM: Is repetitive dialogue a side effect of cosmic radiation? A side effect of cosmic radiation? Oh no, it’s contagious! A side effect of cosmic radiation? It’s contagious!

[The rocket’s autopilot kicks in and brings them all back down to Earth, crash landing in a field. After getting out of the rocket, they find that Susan is disappearing, before she suddenly reappears.]

>REED RICHARDS: Thank Heavens!! You’re all right my darling!

>BEN GRIMM: All right, eh? How do you know, wise guy? How do you know she won’t turn invisible again? How do you know what’ll happen to the rest of us!

TOM: All valid concerns. Let’s see how their level-headed leader responds.

>REED RICHARDS: Ben, I’m sick and tired of your insults… Of your complaining! I didn’t purposefully cause our flight to fail!

CROW: No, but you didn’t do anything to avoid it! What gives you the right to get mad at Ben anyway? He’s the most sane and normal of all of you, as low a bar as that may be…

[Ben and Reed fight, with Ben instantly acquiring his stone-skin and superhuman strength, and Reed using his newfound stretching powers. Johnny then starts to panic, and bursts into flame. By the time things, calm down, the four of them share the same thought: “We’ve changed! All of us! We’re more than just human!”]

>REED RICHARDS: Listen to me, all of you! That means you too, Ben! Together we have more power than any humans have ever possessed!

>BEN GRIMM: You don’t have to make a speech, Big Shot! We understand! We’ve gotta use that power to help mankind, right?

>REED RICHARDS: Right, Ben, right!

>JOHNNY STORM: I’m calling myself the Human Torch-- And I’m with you all the way!

>SUSAN STORM: Same goes for me… The Invisible Girl!

>REED RICHARDS: There’s only one still missing… Ben!!

>BEN GRIMM: I ain’t Ben anymore-- I’m what Susan called me-- The Thing!

>REED RICHARDS: And I’ll call myself... Mister Fantastic!

CROW: He heard everyone else come up with names that actually fit their powers, and he was like “Nah, I’m naming myself Awesome Guy.”

[At that moment, the Fantastic Four was born, while in the present they face their first case: the mysterious disappearances of several atomic plants around the world. Conveniently, just as they are talking about this, one of Reed’s devices picks up the tremors of another plant being taken, this time in French Africa, where a giant monster bursts out of the ground and attacks the nearby French troops. His rampage only ends when he is commanded to stop by his master… The Moleman!]

JONAH: Alright, get all your jokes out now.

CROW: (as Hans Moleman) I was saying Boo-urns.

TOM: (as Hans Moleman) Drinking has ruined my life. I’m only 31 years old!

CROW: (as Hans Moleman) Cowabunga dudes.

TOM: (as Hans Moleman) If only this sugar were as sweet as you, sir.

CROW: (as Hans Moleman) This is Moleman in the morning. Good Moleman to you.

TOM: (as Hans Moleman) Oh no. My brains.

CROW: (as Hans Moleman) I need the biggest seed bell you have. No that’s too big.

TOM: (as Hans Moleman) No one’s gay for Moleman.

JONAH: Alright, alright, that’s enough.

[Back in the laboratory of Reed Richards, the FF decide to investigate the place at the center of all the “earthquakes”, Monster Isle! Upon flying there in their jet, they find a large mountain, and try to climb it.]

>BEN GRIMM: If this is just a wild goose chase, mister, I’ll make sure you live to regret it!

>SUSAN STORM: Save your breath for the climb, gruesome!

TOM: Wow, I’m starting to think that unlike the others, Susan isn’t just stupid, she’s malicious.

[They are attacked by a three-headed monster, until Reed lassoes it around the necks with his arm, and throws it into the ocean.]

>REED RICHARDS: I had heard there was a giant three-headed monster guarding this isle… But he shall guard it no longer!

JONAH: So you stumble across a specimen of a rare new species, possibly the last of its kind, and you don’t even try not to kill it. Honestly, and you call yourself a scientist…

[The ground gives way beneath Reed and Johnny, causing them to fall down a large cavern, with Reed’s ability to turn into a parachute saving their lives.]

>REED RICHARDS: It’s pitch dark!! What sort of place can it be?

CROW: It’s a cave, duh. They’re always dark. I agree with Jonah, I’m finding it harder and harder to respect this guy as a scientist.

>JOHNNY STORM: Reed! I feel something! It’s a trap door in the wall! It’s moving!

JONAH: Why would there be a trap door in the middle of a random cavern that only now just opened up?

TOM: Because of the highest power of all in a fictional universe: the power of plot convenience.

[A bright light washes over them as the door opens.]

>REED RICHARDS: That light!! Where did it come from!

>JOHNNY STORM: It’s blinding! I can’t see!

[The two black out, and regain consciousness an indiscernible amount of time later, and find that they are now wearing suits that protect them from the light.]

>JOHNNY STORM: My head!!

>REED RICHARDS: The light-- it actually caused us to lose consciousness! But how did we get into these suits?

>MOLEMAN: So you have recovered, have you!! It is about time!!

>REED RICHARDS: Who-- Who are you? I can’t see…

>JOHNNY STORM: And where are we?

>MOLEMAN: The reason you cannot see is… you are blinded by the glare-- from the Valley of Diamonds!! -- And as for me-- I am the Moleman!!

>JONAH: (singing “I am the Walrus”) Goo goo g’joob.

[Meanwhile, above ground, Susan is being stalked by a monster.]

>SUSAN STORM: Reed… and Johnny… Got to find them! Wait! That noise-- behind me!! What--??

CROW: (as Susan) I’ll just talk about it instead of actually turning around!

[Ben sees the threat, and quickly strips out of his jacket and coat, again.]

BEN GRIMM: Duck, Sue! Out of the way! Let me handle ‘im!

[After a ferocious battle, Ben tosses the monster into the ocean. Meanwhile, back below ground, the Moleman, explains his backstory: He was an ugly, lonely man who could not find a job or girlfriend, so he set out as an explorer, and washed up on Monster Isle, where he discovered “the center of the Earth” and became ruler of the monsters. He then demonstrates his power of Radar sense, which allows him to sense things all around him without seeing them.]

CROW: So basically, just an Incel with Daredevil powers and an army of monsters. Got it.

>MOLEMAN: Now, before I slay you all, behold my master plan!

TOM: I’ve had to sit through so many bad evil monologues, I think it would be a mercy if a supervillain just killed me immediately instead.

>MOLEMAN: See this map of my underground empire!

JONAH: How does he have visual aid already on hand? He’s more prepared for randomly giving away his plan then I have been for any school report I’ve ever had to do.

>MOLEMAN: Each tunnel leads to a major city! As soon, as I have wrecked every atomic plant, every source of Earthly power, my mighty mole creatures will attack and destroy everything that lives above the surface!

CROW: Mhm, mhm, good plan, but just a couple of notes: One, trying to destroy every single power plant is impossible and unnecessary for taking over the world, and two, you’re a complete dumbass. How’s that for constructive criticism?

>MOLEMAN: And now, at my signal, those creatures of darkness, my denizens at the Earth’s center, shall dispose of all of you witless intruders!

[Ben and Sue arrive, just in time for Ben to strip away his coat and hat again. Why he bothers to keep putting them back on, I’ll never know…]

>BEN GRIMM: We’ll see about that, Mole!

>REED RICHARDS: The Thing!!

JONAH: How did they get there?

TOM: The power of plot convenience strikes again!

>MOLEMAN: Too late, fool! The die is cast! There is no turning back!!

>SUSAN STORM: Thing!! Look out... Behind you!

[A gigantic green spiky monster climbs up from a pit nearby. Johnny flames on, burning through his protective suit.]

>JOHNNY STORM: Look out, Reed! I’m gonna burn my way out of this monkey suit!

>REED RICHARDS: Good boy, Johnny!

JONAH: (as Reed Richards) Would you like a Snausage?

[Johny distracts the giant monster, then causes a rockslide, giving him and the rest of the FF an opportunity to escape.]

>JOHNNY STORM: We did it! We’re free!! And the entrance to the Moleman’s empire is sealed forever!

TOM: Or at least until he has one of his monsters burrow a way out, like they’ve been show to do before.

[The Four then fly away in their jet.]

>JOHNNY STORM: But where is the Moleman?

>REED RICHARDS: I left him behind-- He’ll never trouble anyone again!  
  
TOM: Even if he couldn’t dig any new tunnels, he still has all the preexisting ones leading to every major city on Earth!

[Seconds later, a massive explosion destroys the island.]

>SUSAN STORM: He’s destroyed the entire isle! He’s sealed himself below-- Forever!

TOM: No, not forever! He could conquer the world at any moment! You accomplished nothing!

>REED RICHARDS: It’s best that way! There was no place for him in our world… Perhaps he’ll find peace down there… I hope so.

>SUSAN STORM: I just hope we have seen the last of him!

TOM: But that’s my point! You definitely haven’t! Oh, I give up. You four are idiots.

[With that, the three comedians leave the theatre.]


	3. Outro

[Tom and Crow are on the bridge, messing with the controls of the Satellite. Gypsy is there with them.]

GYPSY: Guys, I’m not so sure this is a good idea.

CROW: Of course it is, we got the idea from a comic book!

TOM: Yeah, once we steer this baby into that cosmic storm, we’re going to have superpower out the wazoo! The wazoo, I say!

CROW: Yeah, these cosmic rays are worth their weight in RAM chips!

GYPSY Yaaaaaay! *pause* Wait, aren’t cosmic rays just weightless beams of energy?

TOM: That’s beside the point! Punch it, Crow!

[Crow hits a button with his beak, and the S.O.L. flies towards a giant beam of light. Meanwhile, Jonah is in his workshop, talking with his backup robots, M. Waverly and Growler.]

JONAH: I’m serious, that comic was crazy! I mean, the moral of the story was literally that if you’re ugly and unloved, like the Moleman, it’s best to just completely cut yourself off from the world!

M. WAVERLY: Wow…

GROWLER: That’s such an unhealthy message to teach our youth…

JONAH: I know, right?

[Suddenly there is a flash of light as the whole Satellite is bathed in cosmic energy. Back on the bridge…]

CROW: Well, did it work?

TOM: I feel… the same.

GYPSY: Me too.

CROW: Ugh, stupid cosmic rays! What a ripoff!

[Jonah storms into the room angrily.]

JONAH: Did you guys just fly us through a dangerously unstable cosmic storm?

CROW: No.

TOM: No…

GYPSY: It was their idea!

TOM and CROW: Gypsy!

JONAH: I’m very disappointed in all of you. You know the Satellite’s propulsion systems are for emergency use only! You could have gotten us all killed!

GYPSY: I’m sorry, Jonah.

TOM: Yeah, sorry, Jonah.

CROW: I’m sorry… that you feel we did something wrong.

JONAH: Well, okay… I forgive you all. Just be more careful from now on. We’re all lucky none of us developed any negative mutations.

[Jonah turns and leaves, revealing in the process that he has grown a long, reptilian tail.]

TOM: So who’s gonna tell him?

CROW: Not it! *runs away*

GYPSY: Not it! *follows Crow’s lead*

TOM: Hey, that’s no fair! *chases after them*

[Back at Moon 13…]

KINGA: *sighs* Jonah looks kind of cute with a tail…

MAX: (weirded out) I’m just gonna… push the button.

[Max pushes the button, ending the episode.]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed, have constructive criticism, or want to recommend a comic for me too look at next, please, please, please comment! I look forward to your feedback!


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